Fear of what is next

Plans. Schedules. Expectations. You go to college. You get a job. You get regular paychecks. You know what is coming. You have a pattern to your life. There are surprises of course, but there is a plan or vision of what is next.

Last week I decided to start this blog. I got the domain and downloaded WordPress. And this week I started to write. This idea has been in my head for years. It was originally going to be a book, but a blog seemed like the right way to start.

So I did it. I listened to that urge. I respected myself. I did what I was called to do. It felt good. It still feels good. It is exciting to be starting something new like this.

I am scared. I am scared because I do not know what it means. I do not know what is next. Why am I doing this? What will it bring into my life? How will it change my life? I have no vision or understanding. That scares me.

To some extent this is not new for me. I quit my job working for an agency to start my own company. I did not have savings or a business plan. I had some ideas and I jumped, as per one of my favorite quotes, by Ray Bradbury:

Risk
"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love
affair.  We'd never have a friendship.  We'd never go into
business, because we'd be cynical.  Well that's all nonsense.
You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your
wings on the way down."

But I was single then. I did not have a wife and kids and a mortgage payment. I had only myself to worry about.

It worked out. It always works out. I am not saying that there were never bad times. Business was really bad for a lot of years and I felt like I was drowning in debt. But every time I trusted things worked out.

I have heard plenty of lectures about planning and goal setting. I have even given some of them myself. But that is not what works best for me. What works is staying in the NOW, and doing what I need to do NOW, and trusting that everything will work out.

My biggest successes came from trusting, not planning.

So the lesson going forward?

I need to let go of the idea that I need to know my future. I need to ignore the constant intrusions of a culture that lives in tomorrow (and yesterday). I need to listen to myself and do those things that I am called to do. The more I listen and follow though, the stronger I will get at trusting myself.

An aha-moment as I am writing. Our culture gives constant messages that I need to trust people outside of myself. Clearly there are experts to call upon as needed, but not all knowledge and expertise is from outside of myself.

Meditation will help. Sometimes just a few minutes at a time to let go of fear or relax. Short times to listen to myself.

And writing of course. More writing!